Sometimes, when someone you love leaves, trauma makes you only remember the good things. The perfect, rose-colored glass picture. And somehow the blame can only hover over you. But it's never that way (in most cases). It always takes two. Sometimes, we have to be honest with ourselves. After the storm has calmed, to do our best to remember if we were truly happy. Because if you find yourself trapped in a dark place filled with endless reasons why you are unlovable, I need you to do this to save yourself.
What if you left first, why would you leave?
Truth is, I wanted to leave for a long time, perhaps even before him.
I know because I remember.
I remember contemplating if it would hurt less if I did it after his birthday. But he loved Halloween, so maybe after that. Oh no, Christmas. And the reasons grew and repeated. Because I was so afraid I'd scar a day that he could never enjoy the same way again. I remember contemplating if there was more things for me to discover out there, if this is what I was really ready to be. I remember being afraid of the darkness he would reenter without me. Things would happen in life, jobs, school, family situations. The time was never right. And like that, the years went by.
I began to persuade myself that we were happy. That I was. And somewhere along, I forgot all those voices in my head, all the red flags, and I fell. Hard. It took me so much time and energy to love him with no fears & when I finally did, he up & left. That's probably why it hurt so much. Because I finally made up my mind wholeheartedly, that it would be him, forever.
So I ask myself to remember. Remember all the times I felt alone. All the dreams and opportunities I sacrificed. All the friends I had to let go. All the friends I never met. The places I never got to go, things I never got to do. All the parts of me that I had to silence, the ambitions that I had to shorten. All the pieces of me that I would openly show for him to love, but he never even noticed.
I remember the times when I realized other people were interested in the parts of me beyond my voice, clothes & my face-- things he was especially keen on. When nearly four years had flown by, but I still only got the same comments about being "cute" and "beautiful." I wanted him to see my soul. I remember when I wondered why he didn't or if he noticed certain things about me, like the way I always thought of his family even if I was too shy to execute the actions myself. Or the way I meticulously cared for him even without him asking. I wondered if he knew my dreams and if he would ask me about them before I told him. And I realized, I just tried to love him in every way that I wanted to be loved back. That somehow, I would awaken it in him.
But they say if someone is trying to change you to be someone else, they will leave you as soon as they find the person that fits it.
That's what happened with him. As soon as he saw "her", the her that matched what he subconsciously wanted me to be, he was gone. He looked for "her" before, many times. But this time he found her, the her that fit what I couldn't be. And for the first time, I saw him make a decision he was surely sure of. I begged him to wake up, but my heart knew. He was awakened.
But I think, even if I didn't know at the time, that if my "him" came along, maybe it would've been me. It would've been me who left for what I didn't realize I was looking for. Because I tried to change him too. But because of him, I never had to do that.
He did what I couldn't do for myself. And he left being plagued as the bad guy, in which I would've been if I left first. I would've been the one his family would've hated for breaking his heart. I would've been the one to be sorry for hurting him, but not sorry for leaving. I would've had the burden of sticking to my decision, of not regretting, and having the confidence that I made the right choice. Because of him, although I carry all my scars, I am free of all that.
I am free and instead, I am gifted with support & well wishes from his family. I am showered with love and care from my loved ones. I am given compassion and admiration from those who walk in similar shoes as me. And most of all, I am hugged with forgiveness and love from myself. Forgiveness that I couldn't be the one for him, that I wasn't what he was looking for. Forgiveness that I really stuck it out & gave it beyond my all, doing the most with the awareness that I had. He showed me that I can be whole on my own, and him, whole without me. So I can go, without any regrets or guilt. The best thing he did for me, was carry that for me.
So thank you.
If this resonates with you, I ask you to do the same. You are enough. You are an important part of this universe.
With Love & Warm Hugs,