It is almost safe to say that ever since you left, I have been sick for so many days and I have cried almost every of those days. Even if the heart & mind wants to forget, the body always remembers. The trauma that is left upon it. I guess you can also say that is my body resetting. Reclaiming what is mine. Like how a chiropractor may leave your body aching even more after resetting your joints and muscles. Because you don’t realize the gradual damage that has been done to it. Now it’s time to reset it again.
I have been in reset mode for awhile now. Learning to do things I used to do with you, by myself. Learning to get through my days, on my own. Learning to wear clothes I want to wear, be with people I want to be, go places I want to see, do things my soul wants to do.
Reset mode is an interesting state. It’s where the past gets a little blurred and the future a little less scary. The present moment is calm, and you’re just floating on the waters now. Before, it was constant paddling and gasping for air. Grabbing onto anything that comes near.
It’s when you’ve loosen the grips on what was and what could’ve been. You can’t hold onto the past, for now you see it for what it really was. You can no longer miss it, yearn it, and ache. It still hurts, but you can’t miss it. And if you miss it...you can’t want it.
It’s when your head slowly shifts from looking back to looking forward. When looking back becomes more of a chore than a temptation. When hurting is more tiring than getting up and going through your day. When the morning whispers that reality is better than your dreams, because you know, that sometimes in your dreams, that person is still there.
Reset mode is when you find yourself chuckling & you quiet down to listen to yourself. To double check if that was you. Surprised, you give yourself permission, that it’s okay to have forgotten everything in that moment. Because constantly remembering it doesn’t make it go away, doesn’t stop or punish the other person, nor does it bring you all the good things you deserve. So reset it.
Reset mode is an interesting state. And I suppose for every day that you’ve been gone, I’ve been resetting. Every, single, day. It doesn’t make what you did okay; just because I am still breathing today. But it makes me okay. Because there were many times I had to reset growing up before I met you. There were many times even when I knew you. And there will be even more times now, without you.
I’m just resetting. And that’s okay.
With lots of Love & Warm Hugs,