The Truth About Relationship Advice

I recently celebrated my two year anniversary with my partner. We talked about how we’ve grown as a couple and as individuals this year. And how much we’ve learned about relationships themselves. It reminds me how much I wish our parents and us grew up learning relationship skills and how important they are. Because many of us end up in unhealthy relationships and become unhealthy partners without it.

I spent my whole 20s trying to follow all the common relationship advice. But I’m just finally starting to understand them.

“All relationships are hard work.”

Yes, they are. But that is not to be interchangeable with “miserable,” “hurtful” and “suffocating.” Relationships are hard because they require us to learn a lot of new skills, and to unlearn our unhealthy habits. It’s hard because we have to actively work against our autopilot ways, to not behave immaturely or unreasonably when we are triggered and hurt. It’s hard because humans are complex, and it’s hard to understand others let alone ourselves.

“Accept and see them as they are.”

This should be prefaced with “Choose who you are willing and able to do this for without it costing your wellbeing.” Accepting them as they are, is not to be confused with persuading yourself to be okay with bare minimum. To excuse harmful behavior. It means that although they don’t show up in ways you’ve fantasized or wish they had, you can see all the ways they do show up and add to your life. All the ways they meet your needs, even ones you never knew you had.

“Find someone who adds value to your life.”

I’m such a go-getter myself. And I have changed my own life so many times in tremendous ways. But, truly, be with the person that literally opens a version of your life that you could not reach or experience without them. Because even if there are so many more fishes in the sea, it’s only with them that you get to live in this exact special way

There’s so much more I could say that has shifted my whole relationship experience. But I hope we have more of these conversations with our loved ones. Because not knowing these things, on top of self-love and self-anything, has really led me to many dark places, wrong people, and lesser versions of myself. And I hope more of us, women, men, youth and mature, and everyone, learn more about ourselves, about relationships, friendships, and grow internally and personally as much as we do in our careers and achievements.